Meet the SQUAD
Level Three Team
Kris “Animal Style” Best
Kris does three things very well in this world: collecting used sporks, creating ornate display cases for used sporks, and performing in improv shows. Fortunately for all of you, these things are not in the correct order! Kris is way better at creating displays than he is collecting things! Tonight you may see Kris rummaging through garbage cans, rooting around in the gutters, and attempting to peek into your cars as he seeks to find the next gunked up mutant spoon to display in his “Spork Hallway” as he calls it. We promise you he’s more talented at performing improv than he is at naming things.
Seth “Quesarrito” Cardinal
Seth is a fan of creating catchphrases that he hopes will soon become trademarked and make him millions of dollars. Because, as Seth says it, “Thar be gold in them there phrases!” (If you read that with an accent much like an old prospector, just know that Seth says it like Ariel from the Little Mermaid in his version.) Seth will inevitably use tonight’s performance to further his career off-stage by attempting to whip up some new ones tonight. You’ll know he’s marketing to you when he puts up the “double finger guns” (said in a Mr. T accent) and winks at you. We would appreciate it if you just clapped politely until he “holsters those bad boys” (said with a horrible Michael Caine accent).
Kathleen “Liquid Cocaine” Deal
Kathleen is a stock broker by day and a broke stalker by night. Apparently with the inevitable Q4 economic collapse on the verge of sinking us all into a recessional nightmare, Kathleen is taking up a second life by wearing torn up clothes, dousing herself in bear musk, and wandering around the alleys of Denver looking for people to follow. Unfortunately she has a hard time keeping one life from the other because all of her “victims” report that after she gets caught lurking in the shadows, she almost always uses the time between the initial scare and the inevitable foot chase that follows, to give people sound and sage fiscal advice. Depending on which outfit she wears to tonight’s show will determine whether it’s safe to walk to your car alone or not.
Dan “Meat Mountain” Dobinsky
Dan is the father of Vin Diesel. He never wants any one to know this on account of the fact that he is ashamed of what his offspring has become. What once began as a boy driving around in fast cars has turned into seven films in which he performs egregious stunts in the name of protecting his “family.” Vin doesn’t answer any of Dan’s texts or return any of his calls. Vin chose the stage name of “Diesel” due to the fact that Dan used to have that nickname when he played on his environmental study group’s softball team on account of the fact that he played entire games and kept his pants and jersey so clean. Dan sure could use some sage wisdom on fatherhood if you have any to spare. Or maybe have Vin’s agent’s cell phone number handy.
Tom “Meat Cube” Grimmer
Tom was prominently featured in this summer’s mega blockbuster film, Spiderman: Far From Home where he reprised his role as the amazing Spiderman for his third film. Before this summer’s hit, Tom swung into theaters as the teen superhero in Capital America: Civil War, Spiderman: Homecoming, and the Avengers: Infinity War. Tom was born in Kingston-upon-Thames, Surrey, where he lived with his parents Nicola, a photographer, and Dominic, who is a comedian and author. His paternal grandparents were from the Isle of Man and Ireland…
You know I just realized that I’ve been writing about Tom Holland and not Tom Grimmer. That’s my bad.
Tom Grimmer seems nice.
Ohm “Cure Burger” Unmongkolthavong
What can you say about Ohm that hasn’t already been said about a grizzled, weathered, haggard, lonely, isolated, rum guzzling, muted, boring, bedraggled, run-down, broken, half-deaf, sort of scary in a murdery way, listless, stinky, mutated, soggy, old, crusty, pale, frostbitten, shaggy, filthy, uncouth, uncivilized, gutless, foul-mouthed, unpleasant to be around, the kind of person you don’t only NOT take home to meet mom but file a restraining order against in case he ever tries to get any wise ideas about why you even looked in his general direction when passing by the run down shanty he calls a home out back of the tavern by the fisherman’s wharf when you accidentally told your Uber driver to take that shortcut in order to beat the traffic and then got caught face to face with the most hideous looking, human-esque land mammal that God had the courage to let live despite the utter uselessness of this creature to all people, at all times in human history, forever and ever as we all shall live?
Not much thankfully. That about covers it.
Also, Ohm is a Pisces. If that helps explain some things.
Who am I kidding? Of course it helps! Freaking Pisces am I right?
Emcee
J. "Double Down" Murdock
J is wearing eleven inch risers in his sneakers tonight as he was told that “hot girls only like tall guys.” Seeing as J spends all of his time attempting to get the attention of the fairer sex, he invested all of his money, and most of his wife’s savings account, in order to finally, “get him some of that ‘sweet sweet lady attention’ everyone keeps talking about.” J. is utterly clueless and is really only here tonight to check out the “potential.” If he asks you to do anything tonight, and we mean ANYTHING, just don’t. It’s bad enough that he forced us to have him emcee the show tonight. With risers that high in his shoes, he’s probably going to fall and break something. But knowing him, he’ll use it as an excuse to have some “pretty girl” help him up. Gross. Also, if you see his wife, could you give her a reassuring squeeze on the arm? She could sure use it.
Tonight's Show Flow
Welcome
Rap Intro
Murder Chain Endowment
Pan Left / Pan Right
Small Town Event
the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Intermission
Slap Happy
Bedtime Story
